The Ladies

I love the train. I have been away this weekend which involves multiple public transport trips. Most people find public transport an horrific way to travel. If you keep your eyes open it is one of the best places in the world. There are so many characters I have met in the past, and once again it has been no different. Although it wasn't exactly fun at the time.

Traveling up to Norwich on a Saturday morning, sun shining, I had to take a seat on the train that was still stationary at Cambridge (my trip from London to Cambridge was surprisingly, completely uneventful). It was one with the table so I had to face two strangers for 2 hours. You can’t even split it up so it is an hour on each, it is always both of them, just staring at you. I know i always have to be perfect with my decision, otherwise it can be painful. I sat down and I realised I had made an impressive choice. I am sitting next to a female that, so rare for trains, smells amazing. Opposite is an attractive lady as well! I have never known for a day to start so well. The train moves away and I feel almost proud of my life.

We pull up to the next station and disaster. A boy sits in the other seat opposite. Normally not a terrible scenario but he has something in his hand. It chills me to the bone. It is a glossy magazine. It’s ‘Nuts’. It is probably the most grotesque magazine in the world. It is not even for any feminist reasons either. My main hatred for this is the fact it believes Jeremy Clarkson is a legend. What a horrific person to celebrate.

I never really like personal attacks but I do find his beliefs astonishing. They seem nationalist, and definitely anti foreign things. I don’t really like nationalists, they can seem to breed hatred towards other countries and cultures. I love thinking of our country slowly coming round to terms with us being European. I love many things English, but there is a real feeling of an Island about this country still. We are happy to exclude ourselves in the International playground from the other countries. We need to play more. You never know, we may even have some fun. Anyway, back to Clarkson. He seems so old fashioned yet so many of my generation love him.

Arrogance is an ugly trait, and he would probably be even proud to say he is. One of my highlights of TV recently was when Michael Macintyre mocked him on ‘Have I got news for you’. You can watch his almost surprise at the fact someone has decided to go against him. He has outlandish beliefs about politics, especially our own government. I would love to see an interview between him and an intellectual. I am pretty sure if Will Self, or someone similar, spoke to Clarkson his arguments would not stand up to any probing. A person who states the country does not need a Houses of Parliament is not fit to be on the BBC.

I seem to have gone off topic. Right, back to the train.

The boy sits down and puts his head phones in and begins to read his magazine. He opens it up and the lady opposite me glances over to see what he is reading. Two nipples stare back at her. I wish I could have recorded it because now it is very amusing. I can’t really deal with awkward scenarios at all and so I really wanted to run away. The woman looked horrified. She instantly put her back towards him. I then realised the girl next to me had noticed the magazine as well. She was tutting profusely. Every time he turned a page and boobs were there, in full glory, a humongous tut would come bounding out from my left. At this point the humour of the situation did hit me. He was wearing head phones, there was no chance he was hearing the noise emanating from the woman’s anger.

I let a sly smile appear on my face while he turned over the page and there he was. Staring at me, so arrogantly. Jubblies were obviously at the center spot of the page but I could still see him in the corner. It was Clarkson. Before I could see what rubbish he was saying I noticed something even worse. I look to the pretty girl opposite me and she is giving me the evils! I can’t believe it. Apparently, it isn’t obvious to an onlooker that someone staring at a page spread of lady glands with a sly grin is actually looking on in disgust at Clarkson in the corner. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t even dare look to my left but I felt the woman change her seating stance so I knew her back towards me. How did this happen! All the anger was no longer aimed towards the boy, it was now at me. I was on there side! Don’t get me wrong, I love the lady lumps. However, I don’t understand how Nuts, Zoo or The Sun have made it perfectly fine to look at them with confidence in public as long as you can’t see her… garden.

The next half an hour was so painful until they got off at the next station. There was no talking, just the boy slowyly turning over the page with a tut come with each one. When they left the boy stayed so it was just me and him. There is more to follow on this but I think it is a post worth on its own so i will leave it there for today.